I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
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you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
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I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.