i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
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I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING