Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
