getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize