I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
ttyl tear gas
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
