Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
