I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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