when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
