My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
