it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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