A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Your dad touched me again.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
