i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
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YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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