i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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