I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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