In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
