I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
