Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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