Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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