There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
