I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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