cat food counts as protein by the way
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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