Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
