So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We got so high we made milksteak
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
