Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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