he thought i was a dude.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
