i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
