I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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