made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
