If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
