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• (205): View more from Alabama

  This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.

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• (908): View more from New Jersey

  Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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• (915): View more from Texas

  Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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  Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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• (716): View more from New York

  do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth

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• (859): View more from Kentucky

  how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?

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• (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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  21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.

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• (845): View more from New York

  Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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• (845): View more from New York

  Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.

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• (708): View more from Illinois

  There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.

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