The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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