I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
