im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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