she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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