Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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