Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
