Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
