I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
