Betty ford says i'm here all night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
