I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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