Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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