They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
