Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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