I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
