I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
