I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
