if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
