hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
