Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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