I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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