I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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