Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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