and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
