Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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