someone get that fucking seahorse.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
