I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
