sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
