One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
