apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
