Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
