I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
